Help! My spouse feels more like roommate than soulmate

Let me be honest—marriage isn’t always candle-lit dinners and cute couple photos. My husband and I are about to hit our 7-year anniversary, and this season feels less like a romance movie and more like a calendar coordination contest.

We had a surprise pregnancy before our first anniversary, and life hasn't slowed down since. Now, we’ve got two beautiful, loud, incredibly busy kids, and we’ve also walked through the heartbreak of a miscarriage. My husband works nights and sleeps during the day. I work days and juggle everything from dirty diapers to endless homework and emotionally needy toddlers. Weekends? Full of church activities. Somewhere in between all the tasks and “hey did you pay that bill?” moments, we looked up and realized—we’d gone from husband and wife to… project managers. Roommates.

What Is “Roommate Syndrome”?

Roommate syndrome is when you and your spouse stop feeling like a couple and start operating like housemates. You handle chores, schedules, and responsibilities, but the intimacy, connection, and spark that brought you together feel like distant memories. It’s not that you don’t love each other anymore—you’re just stuck in survival mode.

Dr. Kathy Nickerson says it this way: "You’re sharing a home and maybe even a bed, but not your heart.” And wow, that hit me.

But Here’s the Thing: Marriage Isn’t Just About Living Together—It’s About Loving Together.

And for those of us who follow Jesus, it’s even deeper. Our marriage isn’t just a legal agreement or a social tradition—it’s a covenant before God. We’re called to reflect His love in how we serve and love one another (Ephesians 5:25). That means we can’t afford to settle for being glorified roommates. That’s not what God had in mind when He brought us together.

So how do we get back what we’ve lost—or protect what we still have?

5 Ways to Keep Your Spouse From Becoming Your Roommate

1. Put Connection Before Convenience

I know how tempting it is to crash on the couch with your phone or just go through the motions of the day. But love doesn’t grow in autopilot. Even if it’s just 10 minutes a day—talk. Laugh. Cuddle. Ask each other something deeper than “Did you take the trash out?”

2. Pray Together, Even When You're Tired

This is a big one. There’s something intimate and grounding about inviting God into your relationship daily. Matthew 18:20 says, “Where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” You don’t need a perfect prayer—just an honest one.

3. Make Fun a Priority

You had fun once—you can do it again. Start small. Plan a quick date night. Go for ice cream without the kids. Play a card game. Flirt a little. Be silly. Fun builds connection, and connection keeps the spark alive.

4. Don’t Let Church Life Replace Married Life

This one might step on some toes, but here’s the truth: Ministry is important, but your marriage is your first ministry. If church responsibilities are eating up every ounce of your time together, it’s okay to set boundaries. Even Jesus rested.

5. Speak Their Love Language Like It’s a Second Language

Whether it’s words of affirmation, acts of service, or quality time—figure out how your spouse receives love and make it a habit. Romans 12:10 says, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” This is how we honor each other—by loving on purpose.

But What If You’re Already There?

What if you’re reading this and thinking, “Yep, we’re full-on roommates already”?

Here’s the good news: Jesus brings dead things back to life—including love.

1. Start Small, But Start Today

You don’t have to fix everything overnight. Send a text that says, “I miss you.” Give them a 10-second hug when they walk in. Pick one night this week for a no-phones dinner. Tiny steps lead to big shifts.

2. Talk About It—With Grace

Don’t accuse. Don’t blame. Just be real. Say, “I miss us. I don’t want us to drift anymore.” Vulnerability opens doors. And love requires vulnerability.

3. Ask God to Restore What’s Been Lost

God isn’t just the author of your love story—He’s the restorer, too. Ezekiel 36:26 says, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you.” If He can breathe life into dry bones, He can breathe life into a tired marriage.

Marriage isn’t always butterflies and breakfast in bed. Sometimes it’s survival mode. But with intentionality, humility, and the grace of God, you can rediscover joy, passion, and friendship in your relationship

So here’s my encouragement: don’t settle for being roommates. Fight for your connection. Laugh again. Pray again. Love again.

Because marriage—real, Christ-centered, deeply connected marriage—is worth the fight.